I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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