girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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