I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
