I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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