i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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