It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
