Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
