I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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