I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
