I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize