Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
