Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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