opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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