i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
