i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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