drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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