3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
