I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
