I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
