I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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