Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
