I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Someone shattered a urinal.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
