I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
