If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I could have mohawked her pubes.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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