Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
