I faked an abortion last night.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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