Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize