sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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