Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
