Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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