my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
