I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize