shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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