probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
