You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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