i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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