i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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