shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize