I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
high people should be assigned attendants
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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