You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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