I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
