she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
