I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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