I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
