Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
