Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
