the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize