Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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