hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize