woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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