im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
