If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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