i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
