Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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