At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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