I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
