Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
