he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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