My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
