I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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