I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So squirting runs in the family.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
